I’ve moved!  …and my new individual and relationship therapy practice, LifeStance Therapy,  is now open in Southport, North Carolina.

I am still doing telephone sessions with Sedona clients that I’ve worked with before.

So give me a call, or send me an email at elisathomas@lifestance-therapy.com and let’s continue the work.My new website is www.lifestance-therapy.com.

After all….what’s the rest of your life worth?

Elisa M. Thomas MA LMFT

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

3960 Executive Park Blvd. SE, #3, Southport, NC

(910)446-3697

“All you who feel yourselves threatened [aka, anxious or depressed] by this changing world, it’s twists of fortune and it’s bitter jests, it’s brief [and sad] relationships, and all the ‘gifts’ it merely lends, only to take away again-learn this. This world will provide you no [real nor satisfying] safety. ”

A Course in Miracles

I believe this is true.

I can see it in the eyes and feel it in hearts of many who come into my office.

And then what usually happens is a sense of real disappointment surfaces and anger will set in because  they have been relying on a promise made (by society? by their partners?) that the expectations they had aren’t being met.

When this happens, people become defensive and entertain the idea that by hurting or lashing out at others, verbally attacking them, they will somehow feel better and things will be right again.

But it never can be right when this happens.

Come to think of it,  your defensiveness betrays you in several ways! By making another person’s reality your own, and allowing their thinking, feeling or behaving to change your beliefs about yourself, essentially, you are admitting to the world that you are very vulnerable or you would not react  this way in the first place!

So naturally, given that you believe you can be hurt, this encourages a protective response- to attack back. Verbal attack meets verbal attack. You are now joining them and playing THEIR game. And it is a game. Because when you do this, it distracts you from what you want most in all the world-a feeling of security, connection and happiness.Understand that whatever it is that you want most in this world, you must give it first. It’s the only way to get it-aka, “Giver’s Gain.”

When you verbally attack another you are the only one hurting you. If you doubt that, try an experiment and see how you feel right after you do it. Bad, huh? You’ve just lent credence to someone else’s thinking (almost as if it was indisputably
true!) and before you know it, your own feeling state has been affected.

Who is in control here? Not you!

Why would anyone want to be a part of this cycle? Someone else in this very same situation might not be affected at all by what someone says or does. They don’t allow their sense of self or security to rise and fall with the tide on a daily basis.
Pia Mellody calls this “other esteem”, not self esteem.

Of course if they did just physically attack you, that is never OK, that’s called assault and you need to immediately get yourself to a safe space away from them. But that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about the verbal /passive aggressive reactions we find ourselves having.

So here’s a challenge for you. Starting today and for the next seven days, notice when you feel angry or defensive-like somebody just attacked you. You can feel this sense deep in your body, like they crossed an emotional line that’s not OK.

Then just stop.. take a step back and breathe three nice, deep breaths in ..and out.. ..that’s it!
Make a conscious choice not to join them in this dysfunctional game.

Then remember this truth: whatever you are feeling right now, (unless it is pure joy) is needless and YOU control it. You don’t need to defend yourself because you are not guilty. Their reality does not have to be yours unless you choose it.

Instead, take some quiet time and read these affirmations.

8 Things That Are True About You:

• I am inherently worthy of love and attention from myself and from others simply for being me.
• No one can attack me or make me feel anything unless I permit them to.
• I deserve the chance to learn about what I do not know, to ask questions in order to clarify my understanding and to determine for myself what I believe is true.
• I have a right to experience all of my feelings in a moderate way, even those that make others feel uncomfortable.
• I’m human and I am capable of and allowed to make mistakes. They are errors not irreversible “sins” and I deserve to be forgiven for them. I will learn from them and I will grow.
• I deserve to feel safe in my surroundings at all times and to ask for the space or intimacy that I would like.
• I will do my best to meet my own needs and wants and when I need help from others, I have the right and responsibility to ask for help.
• “In my defenseless, my safety lies.”- A Course in Miracles

Let me know your thoughts.  Leave me a comment.
How can I be of service to you?

Have a great (and joy filled) week!

Elisa M. Thomas MA LMFT
(928)-202-1767

Many of my clients don’t think about how they sabotage their relationships by disrespecting themselves. Rather, they prefer to blame their partners for the way they are being treated and are resigned to feeling angry, hopeless, depressed and powerless. But they are not being honest with themselves and you aren’t either if this is you! Only you are responsible for your own actions, beliefs and feelings and believe me, we have an enormous amount of power in relationships to affect the way people respond to us. We teach people how to treat us by how we think about, feel about and behave towards ourselves. This article is the second in my series on “Losing Yourself in Relationship” (see my previous posting).
One way to really lose your individuality in relationship is by not disputing others misinformed beliefs about who you are, allowing them to define you and what you are capable of. We let their assumptions about us go unchecked usually because we have some fear that if we dispute what it is they are saying, they won’t want to be with us. Baloney! You do yourself a great disservice in the guise of not rocking the boat. If there isn’t room for the truth of who you really are in the relationship then you most likely don’t want to keep that relationship going. You want to be in the company of someone who wants to support your greatness, not someone who feels threatened by it. Be suspicious of any role the world seems to want to cast you in. That will always be about someone else’s needs and wants and not necessarily yours. Raise your eyes above the fray to a higher vision of who you really are.

Some of my clients seem to merge into their partners by allowing their partner to control them-they become invisible. For example, one woman I see constantly defers to men in her life to decide what they will do, where they will eat that night and whether or not they will be sexually intimate. She has a belief that this is what relationships are about! If she tries to let her partner know what she would enjoy, he will complain, throw a tantrum and make it impossible to stay relational. Instead of identifying this as a childhood tantrum, she gives in to him, but with a lot of resentment and later…. rage. She hasn’t fully appreciated that she is in a relationship with a child, and yes, that really can be frustrating for an adult!

This is just the tip of the lack of respect iceberg. Allowing others to interrupt you all the time in conversation or to minimize what you say as somehow not important, comparing you to someone else and what they do. Understand that the comparison is irrelevant; you are not they, you are you! It’s a no-win situation anytime someone attempts to compare you to someone else-you never come out of it as an equal partner.  Another way you may disrespect yourself is by not acting in accordance with your own beliefs and values. For example, if you value personal integrity, being honest and following through with what you say you’re going to do, yet with your partner you allow them to slide when they promise things but don’t deliver, how do you start to feel? Are you angry, resentful, feeling discounted, a little hopeless? You bet. Part of you says that if you bring it up, they will only start a fight objecting to how you are the problem because of your “neediness” (see that switch tactic?) or “unreasonable requests”. You say you “pick your battles” but inside, you are angry and feel slighted, maybe even confused because of the neat switch they did making YOU the problem! That’s called manipulation and there are many good manipulators out there, so beware. I’ll talk more about that later.

When partners don’t honor your time and are late for dates or appointments, this shows immense disrespect for you. They will keep you waiting and create excuses for why it happened phrasing it in ways that make it seem that they simply just didn’t have a choice, when they actually did. (By the way, the choice they did have was to leave early if there was traffic, or not take the phone call if someone called them at the last minute. We always have a choice!) It’s disrespectful when people hold back and don’t engage with you when you finally do get to spend time with them-they’re just not present, thinking of work or somewhere else distracted.

It is highly disrespectful when partners have two sets of rules in the relationship-one for them and one for you. What this says is, “I don’t have to abide by your rules. I’m better than you are-remember that!” Also, “Your needs aren’t as important as mine are.” The truth is, you are both equals and you deserve to feel happy and safe..

It’s disrespectful when people lie to you. They may lie overtly or they may lie to you by simply not telling you everything-by omission. It’s disrespectful when people keep secrets. What it says in fact is “You don’t deserve me telling you the truth.” “You are not worth me being on time for and you are not worth paying attention to.”

It’s disrespectful to you if someone threatens you to get what he or she wants. It’s especially disrespectful and illegal (assault) if someone is physically abusive to you, hitting, punching, slapping, pulling hair, poking and touching you in ways you don’t want to be touched. Only you have the right to control and respect your body and if you are not doing that, thinking “Well I have to give them what they want otherwise they will leave”, then you disrespect yourself and place them in a “better than” position. (BTW, if someone ever puts you in a position like that where if you say “no” to him or her they would leave-let them! You don’t want to be with them anyway! Just don’t forget to give them my contact information on the way out!) Your needs are equally important as theirs are, no matter what! If you don’t know what your needs are that’s probably a big red flag telling you that you have a pattern of letting others figure that out for you.

When you disrespect yourself in a relationship and don’t set good boundaries, your self-esteem is impacted big time. If you allow the relationship to continue in an atmosphere that does not feel safe (emotionally, physically, intellectually or spiritually) feelings of depression, anxiety, anger and even rage may start to build up inside you needlessly. Some people let these emotions get the better of them and they will try to self medicate with drugs, sex or alcohol or other behavioral compulsions, i.e. working out all the time, working too much, etc.

Our emotional, intellectual, physical and spiritual boundaries need to be honored in order for us to be the authentic individuals we are. After all, isn’t it an authentic partner that we want to be in relationship with? Asserting these boundaries is a real sign of self-respect. When we honor ourselves and our needs we feel relaxed and free in the world, to be truly who we are. We can start to feel real happiness and strength- that CORE OF OUR BEING quality (mentioned in the previous post “Losing Yourself in Relationship”). If you are not at that place yet I have to ask, what are you waiting for? Call me. You can learn how to start teaching the world to treat you with the respect you so deserve!

Elisa M. Thomas MA LMFT  (928)-202-1767

You can’t have a happy and healthy relationship with another person unless you have one with yourself first. That’s just the plain truth.

If you dismiss this idea without taking an honest look at yourself first, it will usually turn out that one or both people will find themselves in therapy at some point down the line-feeling overly dependent and needy of the other person to fill an unknown void in their life. Or, it could be that you might secretly start to resent the other person because of their neediness and put distance between you, resentful that this wasn’t the bargain you signed up for. Of course,  conversations about your expectations don’t ever happen -you just go undercover and become passive aggressively sarcastic and distant.

Having a relationship with yourself really means, experiencing an unwavering sense of your own value and worth. Not in a narcissistic way mind you-where you are the center of the universe and all important to everyone. Knowing that you are fine just the way you are. Even though you might want to make some changes here and there at times when you see behaviors you’ve adapted that don’t really suit you-you know at the CORE OF YOUR BEING, that you are precious and have a purpose for being here. You deserve to be here on this planet because you are just like the rest of us and you put your pants on one leg at a time. You are lovable for who you are right now, not after you’ve made some changes, and from this place, you can go out into the world feeling strong, capable, excited to interact with others and having a lot to contribute in whatever way you choose. This world needs you! Desperately! And you would be robbing the world of your talents and your love if you held it back for just one day!

Another aspect of having a good relationship with yourself is having an understanding of what you will and won’t allow to happen with yourself in relationships with others. This is based on your own version of what you need to feel safe in the world. When I say safe, that is safe physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. The limits that you set with other people in relationship are what we call our boundaries. They keep us in check and appropriate in our own lives-and we end up feeling happy and at peace with ourselves in the world, instead of anxious, guilty, and resentful. Setting healthy boundaries is a sign that we care about and respect ourselves.

Our boundaries allow us to get our needs and wants met in a healthy way. We feel easy about asking for what we need from others because we know we deserve it to begin with and there are no secret or unverbalized rules in the relationship. We relate to others with healthy boundaries and we treat them in a respectful way according to theirs. If someone should act in an inappropriate way with us, i.e. shouting, blaming, or trying to shame or manipulate us, our boundaries once asserted will make sure that we communicate that it’s not OK to be treated in that manner. And if they want a relationship with us, they will need to make some changes, because what is ocurring is not acceptable to you.
Again, we feel a sense of self respect, and from that place find it easy to communicate our needs.

This article is the first of several I will be writing on this subject that many of my clients have frequent misunderstandings about-how to have a healthy relationship with yourself, while at the same time, feeling good about your relationship with others. People often feel that over time, they lose the ability to stand up for themselves (set boundaries) and as a result often shut down, or become highly anxious “walking on eggshells” around others. They no longer embody their own views in the world or the fullness and potential of who they are and what they deserve in life. They just don’t know themselves anymore.

Nothing good will come of this. As a matter of fact an awful lot that’s bad may ensue, for example, depression, anxiety, chemical, process or behavioral addictions, raging, physical illnesses and even eating disorders. In relationships, this dysfunction can also show us as avoidance, dishonesty and lying, and real problems being able to rely on other people-not trusting them.

When I work with people on getting to know themselves, afterwards they tell me that they finally feel free to be who they are. The difference in their energy is like night and day. They feel light, liberated and the best part….is joyful! If you would like to get back to this place of having a healthy sense of self, stay tuned for more of my articles; better yet, call me!
I would love to work with you. You deserve to share your greatness with the world. We’ve been waiting long enough!

Elisa Thomas MA LMFT 1487 West Highway 89A, #7, Sedona, AZ 86336      (928)-202-1767