I’ve moved!  …and my new individual and relationship therapy practice, LifeStance Therapy,  is now open in Southport, North Carolina.

I am still doing telephone sessions with Sedona clients that I’ve worked with before.

So give me a call, or send me an email at elisathomas@lifestance-therapy.com and let’s continue the work.My new website is www.lifestance-therapy.com.

After all….what’s the rest of your life worth?

Elisa M. Thomas MA LMFT

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

3960 Executive Park Blvd. SE, #3, Southport, NC

(910)446-3697

“All you who feel yourselves threatened [aka, anxious or depressed] by this changing world, it’s twists of fortune and it’s bitter jests, it’s brief [and sad] relationships, and all the ‘gifts’ it merely lends, only to take away again-learn this. This world will provide you no [real nor satisfying] safety. ”

A Course in Miracles

I believe this is true.

I can see it in the eyes and feel it in hearts of many who come into my office.

And then what usually happens is a sense of real disappointment surfaces and anger will set in because  they have been relying on a promise made (by society? by their partners?) that the expectations they had aren’t being met.

When this happens, people become defensive and entertain the idea that by hurting or lashing out at others, verbally attacking them, they will somehow feel better and things will be right again.

But it never can be right when this happens.

Come to think of it,  your defensiveness betrays you in several ways! By making another person’s reality your own, and allowing their thinking, feeling or behaving to change your beliefs about yourself, essentially, you are admitting to the world that you are very vulnerable or you would not react  this way in the first place!

So naturally, given that you believe you can be hurt, this encourages a protective response- to attack back. Verbal attack meets verbal attack. You are now joining them and playing THEIR game. And it is a game. Because when you do this, it distracts you from what you want most in all the world-a feeling of security, connection and happiness.Understand that whatever it is that you want most in this world, you must give it first. It’s the only way to get it-aka, “Giver’s Gain.”

When you verbally attack another you are the only one hurting you. If you doubt that, try an experiment and see how you feel right after you do it. Bad, huh? You’ve just lent credence to someone else’s thinking (almost as if it was indisputably
true!) and before you know it, your own feeling state has been affected.

Who is in control here? Not you!

Why would anyone want to be a part of this cycle? Someone else in this very same situation might not be affected at all by what someone says or does. They don’t allow their sense of self or security to rise and fall with the tide on a daily basis.
Pia Mellody calls this “other esteem”, not self esteem.

Of course if they did just physically attack you, that is never OK, that’s called assault and you need to immediately get yourself to a safe space away from them. But that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about the verbal /passive aggressive reactions we find ourselves having.

So here’s a challenge for you. Starting today and for the next seven days, notice when you feel angry or defensive-like somebody just attacked you. You can feel this sense deep in your body, like they crossed an emotional line that’s not OK.

Then just stop.. take a step back and breathe three nice, deep breaths in ..and out.. ..that’s it!
Make a conscious choice not to join them in this dysfunctional game.

Then remember this truth: whatever you are feeling right now, (unless it is pure joy) is needless and YOU control it. You don’t need to defend yourself because you are not guilty. Their reality does not have to be yours unless you choose it.

Instead, take some quiet time and read these affirmations.

8 Things That Are True About You:

• I am inherently worthy of love and attention from myself and from others simply for being me.
• No one can attack me or make me feel anything unless I permit them to.
• I deserve the chance to learn about what I do not know, to ask questions in order to clarify my understanding and to determine for myself what I believe is true.
• I have a right to experience all of my feelings in a moderate way, even those that make others feel uncomfortable.
• I’m human and I am capable of and allowed to make mistakes. They are errors not irreversible “sins” and I deserve to be forgiven for them. I will learn from them and I will grow.
• I deserve to feel safe in my surroundings at all times and to ask for the space or intimacy that I would like.
• I will do my best to meet my own needs and wants and when I need help from others, I have the right and responsibility to ask for help.
• “In my defenseless, my safety lies.”- A Course in Miracles

Let me know your thoughts.  Leave me a comment.
How can I be of service to you?

Have a great (and joy filled) week!

Elisa M. Thomas MA LMFT
(928)-202-1767

A friend of mine died Tuesday. She was a force to be reckoned with while she graced us with her presence. She loved the outdoors and would hike every day if she could. She and her adventurous husband would take trips near and far to know the world a little bit better. She was an avid reader, ran a book club, always up on current events, had informed opinions on all the important issues. She had her own mind about things. She worked as a teacher at a local school, donating her time, energy and resources to build the school and make sure it was financially sound, holding fundraisers and networking with the community. She was an incredible cook, always looking for a challenging recipe with wholesome ingredients. She was an entertainer-loved having people over to celebrate any occasion. She was an excellent listener and she cared about people-her husband most of all. But especially the children at the school, spending time with them to help them learn hard subjects, creating real relationships with them because sometimes, that’s the only adult they had in their lives that did that. She motivated them, fanned the sparks of learning, made them laugh, helped them to feel confident about themselves and what they could do. She helped them to see their futures.

She’s in a different place now I think. Resting from her battle with the Big C. She was a real trouper, holding out over several years until finally, she swam with the tide and let it take her. But what a wake she left as she did! That’s what I will call her legacy. She held to life for as long as it was possible with gripping resolve, courage, and strength. She did not go quietly!

And what we can see of her now exists in the hearts and minds of her close friends, intimate relationships but especially in the children and families she touched. A whole school full of children now motivated more than ever to take their slice of life’s pie and create something even more wonderful. How do you even measure that?

The spark of life she lit in each child will now live another 70 or 80 years to touch even more lives and shine brightly as they do.

When I listen to the news, the political arguments or I notice the headlines in magazines and newspapers, the things being talked about feel so shallow and unimportant in comparison.

As I think about her I fall short in comparison too. Taking stock of what I have done with my life, the things I have accumulated to leave to the next generation. What will I leave behind? How have I affected the world? What will YOU leave behind?

Will you leave behind a legacy made of an accumulation of “stuff” or money to be passed down to another generation who will probably bank it, sell it all and not ascribe meaning to it; rotting wood, metal, resentments, pain, more boxes in your garage? Things that will crumble and turn into dust once we all have made our final journeys home. Or will you generate sparks of encouragement, love, connection, understanding and forgiveness, caring and support, in those you come into contact with as my friend did? Will you change people (and yourself) by engaging with them, improving their lives, helping them by understanding them more? Making it OK for them to make mistakes and be human, and loving them through it.

Giving them hope.

Connecting with others-she was really good at that. Are you? How much more time do you want to let go by? How much do you have left?

Make a difference in someone’s life today by caring about and connecting with him or her. Create some sparks of your own. She would have.

Elisa M. Thomas MA LMFT (928)-202-1767

Many of my clients don’t think about how they sabotage their relationships by disrespecting themselves. Rather, they prefer to blame their partners for the way they are being treated and are resigned to feeling angry, hopeless, depressed and powerless. But they are not being honest with themselves and you aren’t either if this is you! Only you are responsible for your own actions, beliefs and feelings and believe me, we have an enormous amount of power in relationships to affect the way people respond to us. We teach people how to treat us by how we think about, feel about and behave towards ourselves. This article is the second in my series on “Losing Yourself in Relationship” (see my previous posting).
One way to really lose your individuality in relationship is by not disputing others misinformed beliefs about who you are, allowing them to define you and what you are capable of. We let their assumptions about us go unchecked usually because we have some fear that if we dispute what it is they are saying, they won’t want to be with us. Baloney! You do yourself a great disservice in the guise of not rocking the boat. If there isn’t room for the truth of who you really are in the relationship then you most likely don’t want to keep that relationship going. You want to be in the company of someone who wants to support your greatness, not someone who feels threatened by it. Be suspicious of any role the world seems to want to cast you in. That will always be about someone else’s needs and wants and not necessarily yours. Raise your eyes above the fray to a higher vision of who you really are.

Some of my clients seem to merge into their partners by allowing their partner to control them-they become invisible. For example, one woman I see constantly defers to men in her life to decide what they will do, where they will eat that night and whether or not they will be sexually intimate. She has a belief that this is what relationships are about! If she tries to let her partner know what she would enjoy, he will complain, throw a tantrum and make it impossible to stay relational. Instead of identifying this as a childhood tantrum, she gives in to him, but with a lot of resentment and later…. rage. She hasn’t fully appreciated that she is in a relationship with a child, and yes, that really can be frustrating for an adult!

This is just the tip of the lack of respect iceberg. Allowing others to interrupt you all the time in conversation or to minimize what you say as somehow not important, comparing you to someone else and what they do. Understand that the comparison is irrelevant; you are not they, you are you! It’s a no-win situation anytime someone attempts to compare you to someone else-you never come out of it as an equal partner.  Another way you may disrespect yourself is by not acting in accordance with your own beliefs and values. For example, if you value personal integrity, being honest and following through with what you say you’re going to do, yet with your partner you allow them to slide when they promise things but don’t deliver, how do you start to feel? Are you angry, resentful, feeling discounted, a little hopeless? You bet. Part of you says that if you bring it up, they will only start a fight objecting to how you are the problem because of your “neediness” (see that switch tactic?) or “unreasonable requests”. You say you “pick your battles” but inside, you are angry and feel slighted, maybe even confused because of the neat switch they did making YOU the problem! That’s called manipulation and there are many good manipulators out there, so beware. I’ll talk more about that later.

When partners don’t honor your time and are late for dates or appointments, this shows immense disrespect for you. They will keep you waiting and create excuses for why it happened phrasing it in ways that make it seem that they simply just didn’t have a choice, when they actually did. (By the way, the choice they did have was to leave early if there was traffic, or not take the phone call if someone called them at the last minute. We always have a choice!) It’s disrespectful when people hold back and don’t engage with you when you finally do get to spend time with them-they’re just not present, thinking of work or somewhere else distracted.

It is highly disrespectful when partners have two sets of rules in the relationship-one for them and one for you. What this says is, “I don’t have to abide by your rules. I’m better than you are-remember that!” Also, “Your needs aren’t as important as mine are.” The truth is, you are both equals and you deserve to feel happy and safe..

It’s disrespectful when people lie to you. They may lie overtly or they may lie to you by simply not telling you everything-by omission. It’s disrespectful when people keep secrets. What it says in fact is “You don’t deserve me telling you the truth.” “You are not worth me being on time for and you are not worth paying attention to.”

It’s disrespectful to you if someone threatens you to get what he or she wants. It’s especially disrespectful and illegal (assault) if someone is physically abusive to you, hitting, punching, slapping, pulling hair, poking and touching you in ways you don’t want to be touched. Only you have the right to control and respect your body and if you are not doing that, thinking “Well I have to give them what they want otherwise they will leave”, then you disrespect yourself and place them in a “better than” position. (BTW, if someone ever puts you in a position like that where if you say “no” to him or her they would leave-let them! You don’t want to be with them anyway! Just don’t forget to give them my contact information on the way out!) Your needs are equally important as theirs are, no matter what! If you don’t know what your needs are that’s probably a big red flag telling you that you have a pattern of letting others figure that out for you.

When you disrespect yourself in a relationship and don’t set good boundaries, your self-esteem is impacted big time. If you allow the relationship to continue in an atmosphere that does not feel safe (emotionally, physically, intellectually or spiritually) feelings of depression, anxiety, anger and even rage may start to build up inside you needlessly. Some people let these emotions get the better of them and they will try to self medicate with drugs, sex or alcohol or other behavioral compulsions, i.e. working out all the time, working too much, etc.

Our emotional, intellectual, physical and spiritual boundaries need to be honored in order for us to be the authentic individuals we are. After all, isn’t it an authentic partner that we want to be in relationship with? Asserting these boundaries is a real sign of self-respect. When we honor ourselves and our needs we feel relaxed and free in the world, to be truly who we are. We can start to feel real happiness and strength- that CORE OF OUR BEING quality (mentioned in the previous post “Losing Yourself in Relationship”). If you are not at that place yet I have to ask, what are you waiting for? Call me. You can learn how to start teaching the world to treat you with the respect you so deserve!

Elisa M. Thomas MA LMFT  (928)-202-1767

For those of you who have insurance plans that arose from the Affordable Care Act, a major benefit of those plans is that they cannot deny coverage for psychotherapy and counseling, inpatient mental health services and substance use disorder treatment, whether they are for pre-existing conditions or not. Your exact benefits are dependent on the state you live in and the type of plan you have. These policies are prohibited from putting a cap on yearly or lifetime dollar limits for essential health benefits, including mental health and substance use disorders. So, this is actually a very good thing for people who want to utilize their benefits.

For those of you who are not in ACA plans, you may or may not have mental health coverage. It’s always wise before you book an appointment to check your policy and understand your coverage. Call the number on your insurance card and ask to know what your coverage is and what the co-pays might be. If you need to get pre-approved for treatment it may take some time to do. Marriage counseling is often not considered “medically necessary” and therefore not covered.

I bring all this up for a reason. If you do choose to use your plan benefits, please be certain you have weighed the benefits you will receive against the costs. There are important consequences for you to be aware of when you use your therapy benefits.

One consequence is that whenever you submit a counselor’s statement for reimbursement from your insurance company, there is usually a diagnosis code that needs to be filled in, which reflects the counselor’s diagnosis of a mental health disorder based on the agreed upon psychological coding reference, the DSM 5. That diagnosis, once submitted, becomes a permanent record in your insurance file and is no longer strictly confidential. Anyone working with the insurance company has access to that information about you as well as anyone else those records may be sent to for their information. The ramifications of this could be significant, impacting you in ways that are not necessarily obvious. The label used most likely will not accurately describe the nuances of your mental state at the time. For example, there are many times clients come into my office feeling sad, but don’t necessarily have a depressive disorder. So you may be labeled with a disorder that is not really accurate, but you will be living with for as long as the company has your file.

Once you use your benefits, the insurance company can’t deny you mental health coverage based on your diagnosis, however certain other types of insurance such as life insurance and disability insurance coverage may be impacted should you apply for those.   The reality is, you may save some money upfront by using your benefits, depending on your plan, but it might also be costing you much more in the long run by having your information shared with others sometime in the future.  Depending on who else this information is shared with, this diagnosis may have the effect of narrowing some options for you down the road such as job opportunities, etc.

Insurance companies usually also want copies of your treatment plan, notes or progress reports throughout your treatment and they will usually limit your treatment to a specified number of sessions they are willing to cover. They also limit the providers you can use based on their list of in-network providers. They get to choose that-you don’t, if you use your benefits. And based on all of that information, they will decide what to cover and what not to. So the content of your therapy and the duration of it is no longer something that you and your therapist decide, unless you want to go outside of your plan. If they do decide not to cover some of it, be prepared to spend considerable time on the phone with them to argue your case. You may find yourself fighting for the same number of sessions that you would have with your regular medical doctor, according to the parity provisions.

Just consider what all of this is worth to you.

Now clearly, if you have a serious mental condition, and you cannot receive treatment without having coverage then by all means, using your insurance benefits makes sense no matter what. Receiving treatment is much more important than not getting the care you need.

Although I do not belong to insurance panels, you may still be eligible for an out of network reimbursement, depending on the plan you chose and what your company offers. If we end up working together, I am happy to give you a statement that you can submit to your insurance company who might then reimburse you with their out of network rates. Check with your carrier to see what those reimbursement rates might be.

When my clients want to use their benefits, we spend time talking about the ramifications of these issues because they are important. If they have a Flexible Spending Account I am usually happy to suggest this as a way to work with them to help pay for their couples therapy when it’s not covered by an insurance plan. I encourage you to weigh the costs and the benefits of this decision. If you do want to come in for therapy and your plan does not cover couples work, feel free to call me anyway. There may be a way we can negotiate a way to move forward with your treatment that works for you. But do think twice before you use your insurance plan to cover your therapy treatment. It may be that the potential cost of using your plan benefits is greater than what you are willing to pay.

You can’t have a happy and healthy relationship with another person unless you have one with yourself first. That’s just the plain truth.

If you dismiss this idea without taking an honest look at yourself first, it will usually turn out that one or both people will find themselves in therapy at some point down the line-feeling overly dependent and needy of the other person to fill an unknown void in their life. Or, it could be that you might secretly start to resent the other person because of their neediness and put distance between you, resentful that this wasn’t the bargain you signed up for. Of course,  conversations about your expectations don’t ever happen -you just go undercover and become passive aggressively sarcastic and distant.

Having a relationship with yourself really means, experiencing an unwavering sense of your own value and worth. Not in a narcissistic way mind you-where you are the center of the universe and all important to everyone. Knowing that you are fine just the way you are. Even though you might want to make some changes here and there at times when you see behaviors you’ve adapted that don’t really suit you-you know at the CORE OF YOUR BEING, that you are precious and have a purpose for being here. You deserve to be here on this planet because you are just like the rest of us and you put your pants on one leg at a time. You are lovable for who you are right now, not after you’ve made some changes, and from this place, you can go out into the world feeling strong, capable, excited to interact with others and having a lot to contribute in whatever way you choose. This world needs you! Desperately! And you would be robbing the world of your talents and your love if you held it back for just one day!

Another aspect of having a good relationship with yourself is having an understanding of what you will and won’t allow to happen with yourself in relationships with others. This is based on your own version of what you need to feel safe in the world. When I say safe, that is safe physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. The limits that you set with other people in relationship are what we call our boundaries. They keep us in check and appropriate in our own lives-and we end up feeling happy and at peace with ourselves in the world, instead of anxious, guilty, and resentful. Setting healthy boundaries is a sign that we care about and respect ourselves.

Our boundaries allow us to get our needs and wants met in a healthy way. We feel easy about asking for what we need from others because we know we deserve it to begin with and there are no secret or unverbalized rules in the relationship. We relate to others with healthy boundaries and we treat them in a respectful way according to theirs. If someone should act in an inappropriate way with us, i.e. shouting, blaming, or trying to shame or manipulate us, our boundaries once asserted will make sure that we communicate that it’s not OK to be treated in that manner. And if they want a relationship with us, they will need to make some changes, because what is ocurring is not acceptable to you.
Again, we feel a sense of self respect, and from that place find it easy to communicate our needs.

This article is the first of several I will be writing on this subject that many of my clients have frequent misunderstandings about-how to have a healthy relationship with yourself, while at the same time, feeling good about your relationship with others. People often feel that over time, they lose the ability to stand up for themselves (set boundaries) and as a result often shut down, or become highly anxious “walking on eggshells” around others. They no longer embody their own views in the world or the fullness and potential of who they are and what they deserve in life. They just don’t know themselves anymore.

Nothing good will come of this. As a matter of fact an awful lot that’s bad may ensue, for example, depression, anxiety, chemical, process or behavioral addictions, raging, physical illnesses and even eating disorders. In relationships, this dysfunction can also show us as avoidance, dishonesty and lying, and real problems being able to rely on other people-not trusting them.

When I work with people on getting to know themselves, afterwards they tell me that they finally feel free to be who they are. The difference in their energy is like night and day. They feel light, liberated and the best part….is joyful! If you would like to get back to this place of having a healthy sense of self, stay tuned for more of my articles; better yet, call me!
I would love to work with you. You deserve to share your greatness with the world. We’ve been waiting long enough!

Elisa Thomas MA LMFT 1487 West Highway 89A, #7, Sedona, AZ 86336      (928)-202-1767

It’s a New Year- What Are You Waiting For?

You want to take the next step in your career, relationship, business startup.. or basic happiness in life. But your habit of procrastinating will make sure that you don’t and it is one of the things that makes a difference between you and the top 1{220c12279b6540b704516610486128e7dd9d731914ceff616dd6ab102cedbf62} of people who do achieve their goals. It’s not a coincidence that people who are happy in life, have strong friendships and strong marriages have a vision for what they want, know what their personal challenges are and are actively practicing techniques targeted to conquer their fears and perceived weaknesses. Yet, for some reason, you still find yourself protecting this bad habit by arguing for all the reasons why you just don’t have time, or you got distracted, or why this task just “isn’t fun any more.” Well I can understand why it wouldn’t be fun anymore. I wouldn’t be fun anymore either if I were dragged through the mud enough times and put high up on the closet shelf with the door closed! Clearly, there’s more going on!

Fear Tags Along
Procrastination has important emotional underpinnings and it might just betray your overall stance in life. Waiting..putting things off. “If I wait long enough then the decision will be made for me and I won’t look like such a bad guy”, “I have to put this off, otherwise I might have to face….” It is a habit you’ve developed in reaction to conscious/unconscious feelings and thoughts or beliefs that clearly are limiting your choices and keeping your life smaller than it otherwise might be. It’s easier to give up and move onto something we feel much more capable of than to take a chance (and possibly fail!) with something that we need more practice with. We will get a better “emotional return on investment” this way. And a micro-burst of energy to our self esteem, which by the way is suffering to begin with, otherwise we would not be procrastinating!

Focus and Procrastination
Focus,  shedding light and awareness or attention on something is a learned skill and a practice. We develop it over time with the help of caring others  (some have specific challenges where ADD or ADHD are concerned);  we need to be able to focus and be mindful in order to not procrastinate. We need to be conscious to focus and again, this takes energy and personal commitment. Often when I approach a job I’ve never done before or feel even a bit out of my league with, I have a tendency to go into confusion and then into a quick feeling of overwhelm about it as a first step. My confidence tends to wane when I’m first confronted with approaching something new (like writing this article!)and have self doubt and fear about it. As a professional, I understand that the overwhelm I slide into is a relatively young ego state, pointing to relational trauma where my dependency needs were not met.

But besides that I’m good!          This is one of my challenges.
Procrastination takes us out of alignment with ourselves-we say one thing, but what we do is completely different. Just like in the movie Star Wars, it becomes a battle between “The Force” and “The Dark Side”. Coming back into alignment with ourselves is critical to begin realizing our goals and dreams. As long as there is misalignment between your intentions and how you are behaving, it will be more difficult for you to reach your dreams.

What to Do Instead

The first step in getting a handle on procrastination and finding our way to what we want in life is to be honest with yourself about how you and procrastination have become best buds. Be specific; what projects has it affected, what particular times of day or week does it show up, what areas of life does it affect. How is it making your life small? If you didn’t have a voice telling you that “It’s impossible!” or “I can’t do it.” or “I can do it, …just not right now.” What would your life really look like? How would you feel? Where would you be?

Next, once you have a handle on how it shows up in your life, begin by assessing the area that you would like to focus on first, the area or project that would generate the most amount of “emotional return” on the energy invested. Draw up some goals that you would like to achieve in the next year, two years and 5 years.

For example, in the next twelve months, I would like to have taken some classes to improve the way I speak French. Some of the tasks needed to do that are to actually do the research to find the classes in my area that would be easy for me to attend and that meet my budget requirements. Then,   complete registration for them; then to buy the books and materials I will need, start the classes and then to allocate a reasonable amount of time during the week to finish homework assignments. When we feel overwhelmed these very logical steps get blurred and we don’t know what to believe anymore, so it’s easier just to not do anything! It doesn’t feel overwhelming for me in these next two weeks to allocate time to do the research I’ve suggested so I will start with that. To avoid overwhelm I will simply focus on that for the next two weeks. Every two weeks I will monitor my progress and work on a new task as I complete them. See? I’ve already started to make progress.

You will be met with resistance at some point. The voices will sound like “I’m too tired” or “this is too difficult for me”, “I’m bored and this isn’t fun”. As you hear the voices, imagine that you have a young child sitting in the chair next to you, who is actually saying these things to you. What would you tell them? As parents, it’s our job to help children understand that life is not one big video game, and there will be things we need to do that are not the most exciting things-and yet we still need to do them. Console the child (inside you!) by letting them know they are admired by you for their courage and bravery for trying new things and how they are finding out they had strengths far beyond what they really knew. Tell them that you want to support them and as soon as they finsih getting their task done, that the two of you will go out and do something the child really wishes they could be doing, going to a movie, seeing friends etc. Then see what the child inside has to say. Start a dialogue with them. Accept their resistance and help guide them to a better place. The more you accept them, the less they will resist. Eventually they will learn more about what works in the world, and will build their (your!)self esteem as a result. It’s a win-win.

“Heh, I’m only human, doesn’t everybody procrastinate?” Probably, but your question almost sounds as if this is where the process ends for you- a reason why you won’t have to pay more attention and/or stretch yourself. Nice way to minimize the issue. As it turns out, you are paying a large price if you make a decision not to stretch yourself. But of course you already know that. Before you revert back to “Mañana mode”, remember that you are a model for any children in your family. They watch you constantly to see how you respond to things, what your attitude is in life and what possibilities exist. When you decide to procrastinate, you aren’t just affecting yourself but everyone around you. We are not islands. Be an inspiration to them and allow them to see possibilities. When you do, you will be the nurturing teacher they needed most in that moment as well as a happier person yourself.

Please feel free to contact me to help work through some of your procrastination issues privately

Elisa Thomas MA LMFT

(928)-202-1767.

The next time you feel anxious about something ask yourself these questions:
• What am I telling myself about this situation that I start to feel nervous and uneasy? Some examples might be:“ I won’t remember my lines”,” I’m not prepared for this “,”They will think I’m stupid” ,“I have nothing to contribute here that hasn’t been said before.”

• Is what I am thinking about this really true, or not true ? If it’s not true, then come up with four recent examples of how you have proved it’s not true and keep reminding yourself of that as you walk through confronting your fear. Remember to breath deeply through your feelings as you do to help ground yourself.

If it is true, don’t pretend that it’s not, for example, the truth is you really aren’t prepared. Acknowledge that fact to yourself and move forward by planning the steps you’ll need to take in order to be better prepared. It means nothing about you as a person that you aren’t prepared. You just need to get there as quickly as possible.

Don’t hang out in guilt, shame, or blame, you are better than that. Your ideas are mighty forces and they need to be shared. Your ideas matter because YOU matter! If you don’t share them, then you are robbing the world of your insight and perspective. You are meant to be their voice.

The thoughts that are in your head about any perceived deficiency you think you have came from a source that clearly does not care about your success. Quite frankly, this voice, wherever it came from, is not true, never has been true about you and is no indication of who you are at your core. Don’t believe it. It’s asking for a challenge, so rise up and prove it wrong!

As children, we don’t always learn how truly capable we are in solving problems or handling uncertainty, especially if we aren’t given the chance to try and have it be OK to make mistakes.

We end up creating young adults who feel overwhelmed when having to deal with challenges outside their comfort zones. Not having the self esteem yet to admit that they failed at something, they use the example of the people around them to blame others, avoid others altogether, and maybe even self medicate. This creates a population of people who feel shame for merely being who they are-human.

If we could just name the fears we are experiencing to bring them into the light.
Then understand that we will make mistakes going forward and that’s OK because we are proving that we are, like everyone else on the planet, a part of the human race. If we don’t try things, we won’t grow and we’ll never know what our strengths are.

And most importantly, the mistakes we make have nothing at all to do with our inherent value as a person: loving and lovable, worthy of respect at all times and caring and good at our core.